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today i’m feeling pretty defeated in my relationship. it’s like no matter what i do to try and satisfy him…i am wrong. nothing is good enough today. no kind words are being spoken. no affirmation towards either partner is evident today. nothing.
a void has taken over. it’s almost like we’ve put our relationship on cruise control to hell. excuse my “french”. i feel like now i’m no good. i no longer hold value in our relationship. we are just going through the motions of what we know instead of every day growing closer to one another. every day i feel like the man that i love becomes more stranger than significant other. every day that i wake up with him on my mind i have to make sure that our love still exists.
while we say we love each other just as we always have….have we come to a sedentary place in our relationship? are we doomed? is there anything else that will come out of this relationship? how long will this go on?
i find myself thinking and hoping that this is just another phase that we are going through. i have heard people say that there are days where they are more or less in love with their spouse than before…but no matter what they still love each other and find it comforting to be devoted to one person for the rest of their being.
today i thought about what my life might be if we ever ended our relationship. i can honestly say that i do not know. seeing as how this is the first serious relationship i have been in, in quite some time…i don’t know how i would fare out in the world of singularity. i have put my all in to this relationship…and failure would absolutely demolish the person i am today. i don’t know how i would adjust to life with out him. all of the friends i have made…we have made mutually. the places i go. the things i eat. the entertainment i like…are all things that i have adapted to over the past two years.
every day i think about the future with him. i think about the children we might have and what that would be like. i think about walking down the aisle and saying ‘i do’ to him for the rest of my life…and how happy that would make me. how happy i would be to earn my mrs. degree….and then days like today happen…and all of that is flushed away.
fear takes over my body on days like today. uncertainty. doubt. depression. a constant anxiety. and what is there to do about it? how do i reassure myself that everything will be alright?
emotions are running ramped over me right now. i’m sitting here in silence. pondering what the future holds…and all i see currently, is a black hole. nothing more. nothing less
